News headlines from the year 2061

I pride myself on not trying to be the first one to emit an opinion on a subject the moment a story comes out. I think it's the main problem with today's media: it's more important to be the first one to report the news than to be accurate. You report...then you correct it...but only if you really have to (for example, because an injunction was granted against you by the Court).

It's very unfortunate because being right was traded for being quick...The "winner", as if it was a race. And because perception is reality, inaccurate news could be perceived as the truth: "Ma! Mus' be true...they said it on the Teeee Veeeee." (with your best southern accent). In other words, the news, and the media itself, could become effective tools of propaganda when controlled by the got-an-agenda crowd (see Fox News).

I always try to do the contrary with this blog, which is to take the time to get all of the facts straight and then, take a step back to figure out all of the angles. Reflect before writing instead of writing and then makes excuses or use spin.

But humans have a tendency to contradict themselves, and I'm no exception. But I will try do it with creativity. Instead of reporting news too quickly, I will simply anticipate the news. And since my crystal ball is very powerful...

I chose to simply give random real news headlines from the year 2061...

"I've seen the future, and it is much like the present, only longer."
- Dan Quisenberry, former Kansas City Royals pitcher


News headlines from the year 2061

"Occupy Wall Street: to commemorate its 50th anniversary, a judge permits the construction of a condo tower at the Zuccotti Park encampment to accommodate the members of the OWS movement."

"The new iPhone 37 allows to download songs directly into the brain."

"Man dies of a brain hemorrhage after he accidentally downloaded the song "Da da da" (by Trio) directly in his brain, with his new iPhone 37. The defective phone repeated the song 2500 times. Then the brain gave in."

"English language falls to third place among the official languages in the USA, after Spanish and Arabic."

"Cricket finally becomes a popular sport in the USA after tweaking its rules: all players must be sprayed with gasoline and the ball is put on fire."

"Keith Richards is back from the dead. Crawling out of his grave, he declared to the press: "Maybe as a human being I looked like rubbish, mate, but as a zombie, I look great! Marvelous!"

Keith Richards

"The inventor of the teletransporter (or teleporter) was convicted murder in the first degree for using his wife as a guinea pig, while testing the apparel, and sending her straight to the sun."

"Brett Favre wants to come full circle: plans a comeback at 92 years old with the Green Bay Packers. “I wanna win a second Super Bowl before I die", he declared after losing his denture."

"A new Beatles song was found on a cassette hidden in Yoko Ono’s cellar. It was written by John while singing in the shower. The song is call "Rub-a-dub my love". Sean Ono said: "We didn’t have anything to play the cassette."

"The latest Friday the 13th, Part 27, hits the theatres this Friday. In Part 27, Jason finally gets into a long awaited combat with Darth Vader." (Rated S for stupid)

"Apple, Inc. buys the patent for the teletransporter: its inventor becomes the richest life sentenced inmate in history."

"Vermont finally declares its independence from the USA."

"Walmart now sells breast implants. All their "associates" are said to be qualified to install them."

"The Chicago Cubs lose the 7th game of the World Series. The Cubs have not won a championship in more than 153 years."

"Scientists finally find the preventive cure to cancer: don't eat processed food, exercise, don't smoke, don't drink too much, don't eat too much, have a healthy love and sexual life and...laugh a little."

"Teletransporter inventor escapes from prison by recreating its invention in his cell."

"Woman kills 20 shoppers with a light sabre in a local store during Black Friday."

"NCAA Football is starting to think about replacing the BCS with playoffs."

"Walmart recalls all breast implants sold for incompatibility with the iPhone 37: the breasts implants dance uncontrollably to songs playing on the iPhone."

"Reflections on a Modern Circus, universally known blog (yeah! right!), including Jupiter and Saturn colonists, celebrates its 50th anniversary. Its founder, Michael Bigras, was at the hospital during the celebrations after fracturing his hip while typing his last blog article. "

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THE HODGEPODGE

This week’s lucky number:  The Clue. A convenience store: _______ Eleven.

Happy and Dandy Clown of the Week: The planet discovered by NASA. NASA has discovered a planet that seems to have similar conditions to the earth: a temperature of 22°C (72°F) and also has water. Good thing for the planet: our earth is 600 light years away from it...so we can't visit it and mess it up (with good intentions of "helping", of course).

Sad Clown of the Week: Me. Herman Cain has put an end to his campaign! With Rick Perry's campaign going down the drain, I am losing two easy sources of inspiration for comedy and satire. But hey! On the bright side, they both have no chance of becoming the President of the USA in 2012.

Clever song lyrics: "Poets, priests and politicians. Have words to thank for their positions. Words that scream for your submission." - Song: De do do do, de da da da - Artist: The Police

Cheesy song lyrics: "Like gasoline you wanna pump me. And leave me when you get your fill, yeah." Song: Unskinny Bop - Artist: Poison

Philosophical Quote of the week: "You know when you hear girls say "Ah man, I was so shit-faced last night, I shouldn't have fucked that guy?" We could be that mistake!" Character: Seth (wonderfully played by Jonah Hill) - Movie: Superbad

Good slogan for Newt Gingrich’s campaign: “Occupy my ass!” (And there would be plenty of space to do so).


Love letters, comments, opinions and complaints: reflectionsonamoderncircus@gmail.com

The story of an autumn Leaf that fell and went back to its branch

As your are reading this article, we are right in the middle of autumn here in Canada and the northern part of the United States of America. It's such a beautiful season, even if it's a little chilly. The scenery is spectacular as the season changes green leaves to beautiful shades of red and yellow. The downside is that the leaves eventually all fall and most of the trees become completely naked, which is ironic because freezing winter is coming...

Allow me to tell you the story of a Leaf that not only fell to the ground during autumn, but also fell into a hole that looked like a bottomless pit.

This is the story of a man. His name is Ryan Leaf. Although he was a professional American Football player, this is the story, in a nutshell, of a man and his mistakes. You don't need to know anything about American Football. It's a story about great expectations and greater deceptions. In other words, this could very well be the story of you or me. I never thought that one day I would tell his story, in a positive way. He was always perceived as an individual that did just about everything to be disliked by everyone. Here's another auto-destructive person with loads of talent.

He was what we call a stud. He was both a high school and college American football superstar. He probably got all the girls he wanted. He was the toast of the town. He was The Man as in "You tha man!".

To make a long story short, at the 1998 NFL Draft, the first choice over all was between him and Peyton Manning. The Indianapolis Colts had the first choice and they opted for Manning. The Chargers chose Leaf with the second over all pick. Deceiving? Maybe just a little bit...But Leaf got a four years contract worth more than 30 million dollars, one third of it as guaranteed money (a signing bonus).

Leaf was rich. He became a little cocky. Before playing one game, before even winning one game, he told the press bluntly: "I'm looking forward to a 15-year career, a couple of trips to the Super Bowl and a parade through downtown San Diego".

A couple of trips to the Super Bowl? A parade? Was I the only one that had a strong feeling that it was about to get ugly for our little champion? Although he already had issues with his team about his attitude, he played well during pre-season. Heck, he even won his first two regular season games.

That's when the wheels came off...

He started to throw more interceptions than touchdowns (for those who don't know much about American football, an interception is basically throwing the ball to a member of the opposing team...which is not good at all!). Funny thing, he also started to slip on imaginary banana peels. He would trip and fall on his butt without being push or tackled by an opposing player. Basically, he was inventing new ways to screw up. He was finding new ways to lose games.

Teammates were beginning to lose confidence. Sports reporters were murmuring words like bust. Pundits were saying Payton Manning was the real deal. Was Leaf spending too many nights partying in Vegas?

The pressure on the young man seamed, at the time, to be unbearable. The bubble was about to burst. That's where we got to know the dark side of Ryan, as you can get a taste it in this video:

Ryan was carrying such a load. Any stupid question from the media was interpreted as an insult. He was young, immature and throwing tantrums at will.

His worst fault? Being rich at such a young age (and being so immature). It gave him the illusion that he was entitled to something. Fans didn't see it that way. It was more the other way around: Ryan Leaf owed them something...for all the money he got.

But his problems didn't end with that. They were only beginning. He got a serious shoulder injury. Then he got into an argument with the Chargers General Manager, his boss. He was suspended and fined. Back from injury, his performances were terrible and he was released by the Chargers. For all the money he was paid, Ryan gave them only four wins in three years. It was a disaster.

After his release, he leaped from team to team. The downward spiral only continued until he hit rock bottom and decided to call it quits.

He then found a "job", as a volunteer, as a quarterbacks coach with West Texas A&M University, a small Division II college. He found a way to mess that up too. Addicted to pain killers, he tried to get some of those pills from the university football players. He was forced to resign (as a volunteer!!).

As if it wasn't enough, he got deeper in his mess (see the video):

Spearing you the legal details, after pleading guilty, he got 10 years of probation and a fine. All of the sudden, he became a joke, a running gag (see video for an example):

Happy ending? You betcha!!! He got into drug rehab which seems to have worked out for him. He understood that Ryan Leaf didn't mean much in Canada, so he moved to Vancouver. Great place for a new start. He got a normal job, and occasionally works for sports radio. And despite being on the right track, last June, he had surgery to remove a benign tumor from his brain stem (It simply never ends for Ryan...).

Now, he enjoys not to be the superstar stud anymore. He also got a book deal for a three books to be written about his football career and personal life, the first of which was released at the beginning of November 2011. He's now in the business of helping others anonymously...how about that for a transformation?

"How many roads must a man walk down, before you call him a man?"
- Song: Blowing in the wind - Artist: Bob Dylan

In Leaf's case, I can't tell you if Leaf became a man. But one thing is for sure, figuratively speaking, he must have travelled 3/4 of the roads on Google Maps. And for him to show, humbly, signs of change, is remarkable and almost miraculous. Let's just say that almost everyone threw away the towel with regards to Leaf. This story reminds us that we are alone in this life and that it all starts by loving what and who you are.

But you know what? When you really think about it, this story is not about Ryan Leaf. In truth, this story is a tribute to second chance, even if sometimes it seems unlikely. At one point or another in our lives, we all need a second chance.

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THE HODGEPODGE

This week’s lucky number: The clue...You go on a trip to Canada, more precisely in the province of Quebec. You stop at a convenience store. You buy two soft drinks ($2.50 x 2) and six packs of jawbreakers ($0.19 x 6). The answer is the total amount it will cost you. (Bonus clue...don't forget to add the two sales taxes that sum up to 14%).

Clever song lyrics: "We can't afford to be neutral on a moving train." - Song: Deer Dance - Artist: System of a Down

Cheesy song lyrics: "My only addiction has to do with the female species. I eat 'em raw like sushi" - Song: Rico Suave - Artist: Gerardo (Question: you eat them with chopsticks, soya sauce and wasabi?? Dude!!!???)

Sad (and shameful) Clown of the Week:  Joe Paterno. He was a "God" at Penn State. He was a "God" in Happy Valley, PA. There is NO WAY he didn't know about Jerry Sandusky "horseplaying" in the showers. Shame on you. Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, Joe.

Happy and Dandy Clown of the Week: Barack Obama. Giggling, as he watches the The Republican Party Presidential Primaries.

Great idea for a movie sequel: In the first movie, a teenage girl, who moved to Washington State, found her life radically changed when she fell in love with what she thought was a vampire. In the sequel, she finds out that the boyfriend is not a vampire but only a pale skin dude, with a bad case of psoriasis and genital herpes, that could not pull off fake fangs from a previous Halloween costume.

Something a Martian might say if he came to visit earth: Hey! Dude! The Republican Party Presidential Primaries is a spin-off of Saturday Night Live, right? It makes fun of politicians on how stupid they can be, right? That Rick “oops” Perry character is hilarious.

Good song for Rick Perry’s campaign: “Oops! I did it again.”



Love letters, comments, opinions and complaints: reflectionsonamoderncircus@gmail.com

Next question

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."
- Mr. Garrison, South Park

It may sound harsh. But it's also very true. For instance, take the following question: "How much do you weight?"

Right off the bat, it sounds like a reasonable question when asked by a doctor to a patient. The same question could be asked to a male, or even a female, athlete for statistical purposes.

In the wrong situation, a normal question asked with poor judgment (by a moron) could drastically become a tragedy. For instance, if a guy asks an slightly overweight woman "How much do you weight?", on a first date, with a face that says "This is a test that you might fail", that could be classified as screwy. Or if a guest at a wedding would ask the bride, while dancing with her, "Geez, how much do you weight?", you would have to agree with Mr. Garrison's theory on this one too.

It's not the question. Therefore, it has to be the (stupid) people.

"How do you feel?". Sounds like a nice question. It could be great to ask your significant other "How do you feel, sweetie?". They same question could very well be asked to a colleague who comes back to work after a prolonged stay at the hospital.

However, the wide world of sports offers plenty of examples proving Mr. Garrison right when reporters ask the same question: "How do you feel?". Someone has to do something in order to prevent (stupid and desperate) sports reporters from repetitively asking that question.

My immediate reaction as a sports fan is "What a lazy and pointless question" (and many other words before, in between and after that I don't need to put here to make my point).

If the question is asked to athletes or coaches after a defeat, or even worse, after a terrible lopsided blowout defeat, I'm no rocket scientist, but I can tell you exactly how they feel. They feel like shit. They are angry. They are devastated. They are sad. They feel like they've been ran over by a steamroller. There is no point in asking them that question.

Asking athletes and coaches "How do you feel?" in those situations is an easy short cut to bad and irresponsible journalism. It's like showing live images of a sunny day and asking a meteorologist "according to your expertise, is it raining?". Isn't it obvious enough?

Duh! What answer did the reporter expected in that case? "I felt good about the fans cheering as I was being pulled out. Never felt better. As a matter of fact, it was a milestone in my career. A dream come true". It's like shoving your dog's muzzle in its own vomit to make it understand it was sick (the dog knows...and so do the athletes and coaches). This is not journalism. It's humiliation. It's making the new instead of reporting it.

I can hear sports reporters barking at me "What do you want us to ask them, smart ass?". Well, have you ever thought of not doing those (stupid and useless) on-the-spur-of-the-moment interviews? You are predictable as sunset. You are boring. And sports are enjoyable to watch (as a true unscripted reality show!!!). But, all in all, they're not that important when you don't take them out of their context. In other words, there's no need to over analyze them like WWI & WWII or the JFK assassination. Just watching sports does the job.

Or, how about when a reporter asks a coach, either after a quarter (basketball), a period (hockey) or at halftime (soccer or American football), whose team is losing the game, what's his plan or strategy for the rest of the game. To all those reporters, as a sports fan, although I'm not an expert, I think I can answer once and for all that (stupid) question:

1- We'll try to stop the other team from scoring; and
2- We'll try to score more goals or points than the other team.

The coach won't reveal his specific strategy. Therefore, the answer I provided is the only answer the reporter will get. Or maybe he or she could get this answer:

You just gotta love that guy! Completely incomprehensible but you know it comes straight from the heart.

I was wondering how we could have a revenge on them. Simple. After one of the above mentioned reporters had a poor sexual performance in bed with the significant other, I would surprise him or her and come straight from under the bed with a live microphone and ask bluntly "How do you feel? How do you plan to rebound from such a disastrous and deceiving performance? Do you think it's the result from a lack of effort or it's the direct consequence of your lack of athletic abilities? Or both".

But I have something even better in store. For every dumb reporter, the answer should be a Bob Knight (the punch is at the end of the clip).

That was dumb...and dumber. He deserved a Bob Knight.

But to all the you sports reporters out there, don't worry about it. Cheer yourselves up. We enjoy your annual Super Bowl Stupid Questions, such as "How long have you been a black quarterback?" asked to Doug Williams, the Washington Redskins quarterback in 1988 that also happened to be black. The reply by Williams was brilliant and priceless "I've been a quarterback since high school. I've always been black."

One other thing that might cheer sports reporters (that ask stupid questions) would be that you are not the only ones to do so. Political reporters, political "experts" and pundits like Glenn Beck do too.

Here's my stupid question of the week: What color would a smurf turn if you choked it? (Can I hear you ask "Why would anyone want to choke it?").

Well, it's the end of this blog article. I have only one more (stupid) question for you: "How do you feel?".

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THE HODGEPODGE

This week’s lucky number: The clue…A Frank Sinatra song: When I was  _____teen.

Clever song lyrics Part I: "Growing up it all seems so one-sided. Opinions all provided. The future pre-decided." - Song: Subdivisions - Artist: Rush.

Clever song lyrics Part II: "But the suburbs have no charms to soothe the restless dreams of youth." - Song: Subdivisions - Artist: Rush.

Cheesy song lyrics: "And I know that it must be the woman in you that brings out the man in me." - Song: Feels Like The First Time - Artist: Foreigner.

Signs you have to run for your life : While walking on a sidewalk, a white Econoline-type van stops besides you. The side door of the truck slides open. Inside, there’s a half dozen of black dressed and hooded men.

Things you can’t scream before a plane takes off : “Oh! No!...We’re all gonna die!!!!”.

New term to describe how Tony La Russa managed his bullpen during the World Series: The Russa Roulette.

Love letters, comments, opinions and complaints: reflectionsonamoderncircus@gmail.com

The Predictable Decline of an Empire

Many were not surprised by the economical decline of the United States of America (and to that, we raise our hand).  However, there is no doubt that President Barack Obama got a rotten deal.  All partisanship aside, he was bound to fail.  George W. Bush went to war and President Obama got the bill.  He also “acquired” the responsibility of finding a way to get out of Iraq and Afghanistan without creating a crisis.  And because such a crisis is almost inevitable, he will also have the burden to solve the crisis.

And, in the end, probably President Obama’s successor will get all the credit for the fruits of the dirty job accomplished.

As if it wasn’t enough, President Obama inherited of an economy of overspending.  We do not pretend to be experts in economics, finances or politics.  However, it does not take a degree from the London School of Economics to understand that spending more than you make will basically lead you to trouble.  We tried it in elementary school with a lemonade stand.  Two words: grease fire.  School-shylocks are still looking for us…

Added to that, many Americans overly mortgaged their home (in some cases, up to 100 %).  The result was predictably perilous and disastrous as if we humbly attempted to skateboard our way on a metal rail attached to concrete stairs (a lifetime first).  No one would try that, right?

Lots of people have done it (both the skateboard stunt and the overspending/overmortgaging) and failed miserably.

Why do people always buy stuff? To numb fears?  To numb boredom?  We certainly think that partnerships between The Drama Queen Media and an assortment of Nutcases contributed to that.  For example, some Nutcase shoots his boss and a few key employees, before killing himself, and The Drama Queen Media leads off with “Could this happen at your work place?”.  Corporate loves that equation.  Remember: we consume more when we are scared.

Of course, we buy goods for essential needs, right?  *annoying buzzer noise* - WRONG!!!

Electrical-stimulation abdominal belts (working out without efforts…really?), food dehydrators and the Hawaiian Chair (Please…Google it!).  Why don’t you just slap us with a Shamwow!!  Or why not buy the latest 3D plasma television?  It’s about time to get rid of our HD 50 inches plasma television which is already almost 2 years old.  And our neighbour (which looks happier than us) has the brand new 3D screen.  “Gonna get me some happy!”.

What about productivity at work?  For a long time, internet porn was the cause of “unproductivity” at work.  Guess what?  Porn is not as sexy as it used to (no pun intended).  Now you have your football and baseball fantasy leagues (takes no more than 6-8 hours per day), social networks, March Madness, TMZ, chats, meeting-the-love-of-your-life.com and e-mail jokes/junk.  If your hobbies get in the way of your job, get rid of the job, they say.

In the end, does the overspending and overpleasures bring happiness?  Well use of anti-depressor, drugs and alcohol constantly increasing tend to point in the opposite direction.

But let’s not fool ourselves.  This is not the decline of a nation.  This is not the decline of an empire.  This is the decline of the people.  If we really want to make this better, we must stop the blaming game (most of the time, based solely on partisanship).  The people, as a whole, has to take the major part of the blame.  No one forced the people to overspend, overmortgage or waste time at work.  Where have we stopped being responsible and accountable adults?  Complaining does not help.  It’s high times to put the debts where the people mouth is (the money is all gone…we have to put something else where our mouth is!!).

Work hard.  Spend less than you make.  Save the difference…for a rainy day.  High school economics…and good ‘ol common sense.

Enough already with all of this Mumbo Jumbo.  If we work hard, we also have a right to play hard.  Miss Beach Party would ask: “Recession? Is that the cool new brand of tequila?”.  (By the way, her original name was Miss Budweiser, but we wanted to broaden our sponsorship possibilities to other kinds of beers, including Duff Beer).

Miss Beach party believes in living the present moment and that you only live once…but in her own way.  After hearing the definition of recession, she would pause and scream “Woo! Hoo! Free Beer! Oh no…I lost my bra.  But I don’t care!”

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New Character(s) brought to this Blog: Miss Beach Party (formerly Miss Budweiser) and Corporate (played by companies that have greater revenues than most countries around the world and that watch our every move, to get to know us better).

This week’s lucky number (we know it’s stupid...but please, just play along!): 7 (Yes! Again! And why not?).

Personal message: To my plump-pushing-60 female neighbour that walks naked in her apartment at night, in the dark: “If you open the refrigerator door, I can see you. I would prefer you not doing that”.

Quote of the week: “Stop being so stupid…it’s my turn” – Anonymous (Nutcase).

To do: daydreaming.

Rejected song title: It’s not because you’re ugly

Bad choice of a rock band name: Madoff and the Enrons

Love letters, comments, opinions and complaints: reflectionsonamoderncircus@gmail.com