News headlines from the year 2012 - PART I

Once again I will try to predict some of the news headlines in advance. This time, you will find out a little quicker if I'm right or wrong about them (as opposed to my article News headlines from the year 2061, posted last October 12, 2011).

People, I shall be right, since my crystal ball is very powerful...(see the video)

However, if by any chance I'm wrong, then you will feel right at home...as if you were watching the news on TV. As we all know, nowadays, it's more important to be the first one to report the news than to be accurate.

That said, on we go with PART I of the predictions...January to June, 2012

January

- January 8, Hugo Chavez, president of Venezuela, finally marries long time lover, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president of Iran (see them holding hands at 0:20 of the video)

- January 15, Chad Johnson (American football player - N.E. Patriots), who previously changed his name to Chad Ochocinco ((translation: eight five), changes his name again, this time to Chad Viejo y Lento (translation: old and slow).

- January 23, E! channel, in association with the Kardashians, launch a new reality show: "Welcome to Dumpsville, population: Kris Humphries".

- January 24, Kim Kardashian, replaces Kris Humpries with her new ex-boyfriend in the reality show "Welcome to Dumpsville".

February

- February 5, Tim Tebow and the Denver Broncos win the Super Bowl...JUST KIDDING!!!...The Green Bay Packers will beat my beloved New England Patriots.

- February 12, new "Supreme" Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un declares "I am not fat, pudgy or chunky. As a matter of fact, I'm slender and sexy". The same day, the people of North Korea unanimously wore a "Slim and sexy Kim" t-shirt. However, a man was executed for wearing a t-shirt with the face Kim Jong-un on a body of Miss Piggy, while chanting "Hefty, chubby, tubby, baby, thicky, pudgy, chunky, baby" to the melody of the North Korean National Anthem. The man was known for his suicidal tendencies...

- February 19, I'm still in shock and denial that my beloved New England Patriots lost again the Super Bowl, as they did back in February, 2008, against New "Yuck" Midgets (a.k.a. Giants).

- February 20, Blackberry offers its customers a 50% reduction of their last monthly invoice for all the technical problems they suffered over the course of the last year. Nonetheless, 100% of the customers didn't get the offer because their Blackberry phone was malfunctioning.

March

- March 7, Barack Obama snaps and declares "It is time that I fight my enemies. I announce that I will fight my first enemy, Newt Gingrich, on November 5, 2012, as part of a UFC event. Newt, I'm tired of your bullshit. I will get medieval on your ass. Bring your ass to D.C. on November the 5th and we'll settle this no-holds-barred style." Here's the rest of the fight card:

• Keith Olbermann vs. Bill O'Reilly
• Jon Stewart vs. "Bow tie" Tucker Carlson
• Hillary Clinton vs. Sarah "we've got to stand with our North Korean allies" Palin
• Jennifer Ansiton vs. Angelina Jolie (finally!!!)
• Donald "birds live in my hair" Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell

- March 26, George Clooney, single again, sadly says "I have no choice but to resort to opening an account on eHarmony.com. I need to fill the void left by the death of Max, my pet pig. More than ever, I need a Miss Piggy."

April

- April 1, April Fool's day, Bill O'Reilly, host of The O'Reilly Factor, on Fox News channel, makes the biggest prank in media history by reporting news based on actual facts (as opposed to propaganda or fear) on his show. An anonymous fan of the show said "I found the show so boring, I switched to CNN. Bill really got me. I'm glad it was only a practical joke."

- April 5, Paris Hilton announces two new products her collection: The Offical Gold Plated PH Back Stratcher and The Official PH Tampon, with Gold Plated and Diamond Encrusted Applicator.

- April 12, I feel anger because my beloved New England Patriots lost again the Super Bowl and I violently tackle a 75 years old woman that wears New "Yuck" Midgets (a.k.a. Giants) baseball cap and a Green Bay Packers t-shirt.

- April 13, I try to bargain my way out of jail with NYPD policemen.

May

- May 5, to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, Arizona police catapults illegal aliens from Mexico...back to Mexico. Arizona Governor Jan Brewer wished them Buen viaje as the illegal aliens were catapulted, with their furniture and personal belongings, over the Mexican-American border. "We just wanted to provide Mexicans with the opportunity to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in their country of origin, transportation free of charge. It's our way of saying we care", said Brewer.

- May 12, CNN's Anderson Cooper's shocking revelation: "I die my hair white. Otherwise, I would look like a schoolboy and have know credibility."

- May 27, Glenn Beck, 9 months after "leaving" Fox News, on his transition from television shows to subscription-based Internet TV network: "When it comes to ratings, I'd rather go for quality than quantity. Yes, I lost 90% of my audience, but I kept the cream of the crop. And I don't have to wear a suit anymore. A straight jacket will do." (flashback of Beck leaving Fox News...see the video)

June

- June 12, president of Family Radio, Harold Camping, the man who predicted the end of the world for May 21, 2011, declares "I know I was wrong for the May 21, 2011, end of the world. But you have to believe me this time. On December 21, 2012, the world will end. Approximately 3% of the world's population will be called to Heaven. The "Chosen Ones" shall be: any man named JIMMY, any woman named FLORETTE or PETRA, all Denver Broncos fans (including Tim Tebow), all people born on February 29, Brad Pitt (but not Angelina Jolie), people with twelve tows an/or twelve fingers, people that had tattoos made before 1991, Richard Simmons, Dalai Lama, Snookie, the dog in the Taco Bell commercials and me".

- June 13, Chad Johnson (a.k.a. Chad Ochocinco, a.k.a. Chad Viejo y Lento) (American football player N.E. Patriots), changes again his name, this time to JIMMY FLORETTE PETRA Viejo y Lento.

- June 21, US Congress officially cancels Summer and blames Barack Obama for the decision. Children will have to go to school until Labour Day and artificial snow will be spread all across the United States.

- June 27, I finally accept the fate of my beloved New England Patriots...as I watch that funny and cute squirrel water skiing. (see the video)

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THE HODGEPODGE

This week’s lucky number: The Clue. Today's date.

Happy and Dandy Clown of the Week: Elin Nordegren. The former wife of Tiger Woods has demolished the $12.3 million oceanfront mansion she purchased just last year. She's spending Tiger divorce money...good for her!!! I guess it's the Swedish way to say to Tiger "You messed with the wrong bitch!"

Sad Clown of the Week: A North Carolina (million dollar) man. A Walmart refused the money he handed out to pay for a vacuum cleaner, a microwave oven and other stuff. Why the money was refused? The man was trying to pay with a 1 million dollar bill (the $100 bill is the highest bill printed in the USA). He even insisted that the bill was real!!! A Walmart refusing "well earned" money? What's this world coming to?

Clever song lyrics: "Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see." - Song: Strawberry Fields Forever - Artist: The Beatles.

Cheesy song lyrics: "And I wear my sunglasses at night. So I can, so I can. Forget my name while you collect your claim." Song: Sunglasses At Night - Artist: Corey Hart (Ok...Mr Hart, your transportation (an ambulance for the psychiatric hospital) is on its way).

Philosophical Quote of the week #1: "I'm Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and the last word out of your filthy sewers will be "Sir". Do you maggots understand that?" Character: Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (played by R. Lee Ermey) - Movie: Full Metal Jacket

Philosophical Quote of the week #2: Women are made to be loved, not understood - Oscar Wilde




Love letters, comments, opinions and complaints: reflectionsonamoderncircus@gmail.com

Flash occupations...a flash in the pan?

Here's a scenario for a movie. Invaders from outer space land in every major cities around the world. The President of the United States (let's say actor Morgan Freeman...to keep it completely fictional!!) tries to make contact with them. Not being able to identify their leader(s) (the Space Invaders all seem very different), he starts to chat with the first one he encounters.

President of the United States: Who is your leader? Your chief? Your commander?

Space Invader: We have none (for the sake of argument, let's pretend he speaks English!).

President of the United States: Why are you here?

Space Invader: We don't know.

President of the United States: What do you want?

Space Invader: We don't know.

After a few days, the President and the rest of the world simply abandon and go back to their activities while the Drama Queen Media tries by all means to scare us by speculating that the Space Invaders are here to annihilate us.

My scenario would be utterly rejected by Hollywood studios because it's boring and pointless (and because there is no sexy female star in it). Maybe I would have a chance to sell it to Bollywood studios (India). However, to do so, I would have to agree to a compromise: the Space Invaders would end up dancing altogether at the end of the movie.

Well, people occupying Wall Street (and Boston, Chicago, L.A., Denver and Seattle), more often than not, sound like the Space Invaders in my scenario.

And don't get me wrong, I'm on their side, completely. Nevertheless, we wouldn't want such a beautiful phenomenon to become a wet blanket.

Everything seems perfect. The flash crowd. The peaceful occupation. The contagious spread around the country, and maybe around the world (there were signs of occupation in Montreal, Canada, too).

The problem? No leader. No central cause(s). No official demands. No concrete or pragmatic solution(s) offered (as opposed to wishful, ideal and fairy tail solutions).

In Syria, Lybia, Egypt, Tunisia, etc., the flash crowds had a very clear message. There was a consensus: "This crazy lunatic dictator has to go...NOW...and we are willing to die

for it!!".

What worries me is that in the case of Wall Street and Co, the message isn't clear. And since the Drama Queen Media has the attention span of a 8 year old with an Attention Deficit Disorder, you have to get the message across before they start ignoring you. In a world where you can't usually repeat as The Flavour of the Day (and if lucky, The Flavor of the Week), you have to say it while you can.

Remember the 7.0 magnitude earthquake in Haiti? The Drama Queen Media focused on it. It was The Flavor of the Month (very rare phenomenon). And it was all good too. They desperately needed the attention and the help. However, a month and a half later, Chile suffered an 8.8 magnitude earthquake. Almost no one gave a damn. I guess the public was fed up with earthquakes. They wanted something else. Too bad for Chile...

That is why I'm worried. Are we wasting a joker too soon? Maybe occupants are not organized sufficiently to act now. At least, getting a leader or a spokesperson would help to protect their image when talking to ill intentioned journalists.

Please watch the next clip, more precisely at 1:14.

Well, Erin Burnett, by interviewing a single occupant, that sounded less informed, and by only showing the "marginally colourful" occupants, you are not making your point. You are only proving to the world that you practice Yellow Journalism. You had an agenda. You are a cocky, condescending and intellectually dishonest journalist, Seriously! You should be ashamed of yourself. And it gives you an idea of the direction CNN wants to take. Erin Burnett would fit right in with the Glenn Beck's, Rush Limbaugh's and Bill O'Reilly's.

Moreover, we wouldn't want our only significant souvenir from the flash occupations to be the Hot Chicks of Occupy Wall Street:

Am I surprised that Republicans and others from the Right said that "The Wall Street occupants are just a bunch of braless, tofu eating, long hair, weird and bearded hippies"? Of course not. But I'm just surprised they don't all agree when it comes down to the disappearance of the middle class. I'm sure there's a lot of Republicans in that segment of the population. It's not about partisanship. Hell, Erin Burnett should worry about it too...when her show gets cancelled!

All of that to say that a leader (like Michael Moore?) or a spokesperson would present arguments to the Erin Burnett's of the world to preserve the good image and the legitimacy of the protest to the eyes of the world. Maybe not a clear plan...but at least clear demands and suggestions of solutions. I agree that there should not be rules for the occupants except maybe to stay peaceful. We wouldn't want the occupants to turn like fans of sports teams celebrating in the streets, after winning a championship, only to see their moment ruined by a handful of morons and jerkoffs thrashing cars and looting stores.

What now? Well let's just say that the jury is still out on that one. As long as the Governments of the world understand that Wall Street, Banks and Mega Corporations need to stay out of the Governments. People need to prevent them from being Reversed Robin Hoods: taking money from to poor to give it to the rich (See the Mortgage Crisis). Somehow, people need to stop them from dissolving the Middle Class, preserving a balance of the distribution of the wealth (and power) so that the system doesn't collapse again.

Banks tried to make us believe that they helped us. In the end, they only provided us with a rope, with a noose, leaving us no choice but to hang ourselves, resulting into a Mortgage Crisis, a recession.

In the meantime, the Modern Circus is as crazy as ever. In the light of this mess, I've decided to trade my car for a flying saucer. I'm pretty sure I will blend right in...(to be continued).

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This week’s lucky number: The clue…Snow White and the ______ Dwarfs.

Note to self: Riding my flying saucer will make me avoid traffic.

Note to self #2: Riding my flying saucer too high will definitely increase my chances of hitting a lamp post, transmission tower or electric pylon.

Wise words: “If God doesn’t like the way I live, let him tell me, not you.” - To religious representatives knocking on our door on a Saturday morning.

Wise words #2: “Never insult an alligator until you’ve crossed the river.”

Suggestions for new sports worth watching: Full Contact Golf, with no holds barred rules (in other words, players could use their irons or woods to hit something else than a golf ball).

Bad name for a rock group for Wall Street cafés and restaurants (in which occupants used the restrooms): Spray & Spread.

Love letters, comments, opinions and complaints: reflectionsonamoderncircus@gmail.com