Thursday, August 25, 2011

Cougars, Cheetahs, etc.

Last month, the lease on our car was up and we had to get a new one (how unfortunate).  With the new car, we got three months of complimentary satellite radio (Yeah!!).  For the first few weeks, we browsed through the channels frequently.  We’ve made the occasional stop on the Howard Stern channels.  We are not too fond of fart contests or fake boobs sweepstakes.  But we can surely appreciate the interaction between Stern and Robin Quivers during the news segment.  However, our comment today has nothing to do with them…It has more to do with some of the advertisements played on the Howard Stern show.  That instantly reminded us of our beloved Modern Circus…or should we say, zoo.

Our first stop is  “The premier cougar dating community” is their slogan.  First thing that popped into our mind: “Now, that could be dangerous!”.  Then we realized that they weren’t real cougars…

According to The Online Slang Dictionary, a cougar is “a middle-aged woman who seeks out much younger men for romance or physical intimacy”.  Ok.  Now that makes sense.

After all of this info, second thing that popped into our mind: “Now, that could be dangerous!”.  Indeed, the word carnivore may have different meanings too.

You have to hear their jingle:

Howard Stern would scream “Yeah! Baby!”.  But that is only the censored version of the commercial.  The one that plays on the Stern show is more…straight to the point, no detour, in your face: replace the word “date” with “bang”.  We hear that.  We live in a world that runs pretty fast.  Time is money.  No time to date…straight to the Bang!

Movin’ on.

Or maybe you are not into cougars.  Maybe you are married, or in a long term relationship, and you identify yourself as a Cheetah (We have a trademark for that word!!!).  Or if you prefer: Cheater.

Our surfing of satellite radio made us discover the resourceful  Life is short. Have an affair ®.  The world's leading married dating service for discreet encounters”.  Really?  A dating service for people already married?  So much for saying “honey, it’s not what you think.  It was an accident”.  We wonder if that Web site is directly sponsored by The Divorce Lawyers of America.

What does happen when the wife is both on and  Does that make her a Coutah?  Or a Cheegar?

What ever happen to the old fashioned way where the married man falls in love with a stripper?  Candy Cantaloupes and Bouncing Brenda would certainly agree with us.  “Our market is unstable.  We will need to diversify our services”, said Candy.  Well not exactly using those terms…but basically it was her message (actually lots of words including “job”, “hole” and “cluster”).

Some of you might say: “thanks for giving our significant others ideas how to cheat”.  Good point.  That said, we do not only point out the problem(s).  We also provide the solutions:  We would call this The Mama Bear.  This software permits you to record and take screenshots of the websites visited, emails sent and received, instant messages sent and received.  It even keeps track of chat room conversations.  As if it wasn’t enough, you would also be able to trace secret passwords and explore all of the accounts belonging to your “loved one” (hotmail, gmail, yahoo!, cougarlife, ashleymadison, etc.).

What if your significant other is discrete on the home computer (in other words, he or she does it at work)?  Well The Mama Bear has a second head:  A DNA test that quickly and easily detects “traces” left in undergarments or in bed after sex.  We won’t go into details, but part of the instructions is to wet the stain”.  We guess that you have to find a stain first.  But hey!  The kit even includes chirurgical gloves, so search away.

Suggestion: after relieving yourself alone in bed, while the significant other is gone, we recommend that you prevent the dog or cat to roll over in bed afterwards, you know, to avoid misunderstandings.  Needless to say that such a simple precaution could be the difference between a divorce and a very nasty divorce.

So, let’s review our Modern Circus (aka zoo) food chain: Cougars eat men (only).  Cheetahs eat women and men.  Mama Bear feasts on Cougars and Cheetahs…kicks women and men’s asses…then calls her favorite Divorce Lawyer.

New Character(s) brought to this Blog: Candy Cantaloupes and Bouncing Brenda (as themselves).

This week’s lucky number: 7 (Yes! Again! “Do you feel lucky, punk?...Well, do you?” – Dirty Harry/Clint Eastwood).

Personal message: To the guy walking on the sidewalk, screaming profanity at his girlfriend, and that is about to run into a parking meter because he’s only watching her: we say absolutely nothing…as we watch justice in the making (Who knows? Maybe a new You Tube viral video).

Quote of the week:Go for the happy endings, because life doesn’t have any sequels” – Crazy guy who thought he was a cat.

To do: smile more.

Rejected name for a Chinese restaurant: Meow.

Bad choice of a rock band name: God Himself could not sink this band (the band finally decided to choose the name The Titanic).

Love letters, comments, opinions and complaints:

Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Predictable Decline of an Empire

Many were not surprised by the economical decline of the United States of America (and to that, we raise our hand).  However, there is no doubt that President Barack Obama got a rotten deal.  All partisanship aside, he was bound to fail.  George W. Bush went to war and President Obama got the bill.  He also “acquired” the responsibility of finding a way to get out of Iraq and Afghanistan without creating a crisis.  And because such a crisis is almost inevitable, he will also have the burden to solve the crisis.

And, in the end, probably President Obama’s successor will get all the credit for the fruits of the dirty job accomplished.

As if it wasn’t enough, President Obama inherited of an economy of overspending.  We do not pretend to be experts in economics, finances or politics.  However, it does not take a degree from the London School of Economics to understand that spending more than you make will basically lead you to trouble.  We tried it in elementary school with a lemonade stand.  Two words: grease fire.  School-shylocks are still looking for us…

Added to that, many Americans overly mortgaged their home (in some cases, up to 100 %).  The result was predictably perilous and disastrous as if we humbly attempted to skateboard our way on a metal rail attached to concrete stairs (a lifetime first).  No one would try that, right?

Lots of people have done it (both the skateboard stunt and the overspending/overmortgaging) and failed miserably.

Why do people always buy stuff? To numb fears?  To numb boredom?  We certainly think that partnerships between The Drama Queen Media and an assortment of Nutcases contributed to that.  For example, some Nutcase shoots his boss and a few key employees, before killing himself, and The Drama Queen Media leads off with “Could this happen at your work place?”.  Corporate loves that equation.  Remember: we consume more when we are scared.

Of course, we buy goods for essential needs, right?  *annoying buzzer noise* - WRONG!!!

Electrical-stimulation abdominal belts (working out without efforts…really?), food dehydrators and the Hawaiian Chair (Please…Google it!).  Why don’t you just slap us with a Shamwow!!  Or why not buy the latest 3D plasma television?  It’s about time to get rid of our HD 50 inches plasma television which is already almost 2 years old.  And our neighbour (which looks happier than us) has the brand new 3D screen.  Gonna get me some happy!”.

What about productivity at work?  For a long time, internet porn was the cause of “unproductivity” at work.  Guess what?  Porn is not as sexy as it used to (no pun intended).  Now you have your football and baseball fantasy leagues (takes no more than 6-8 hours per day), social networks, March Madness, TMZ, chats, and e-mail jokes/junk.  If your hobbies get in the way of your job, get rid of the job, they say.

In the end, does the overspending and overpleasures bring happiness?  Well use of anti-depressor, drugs and alcohol constantly increasing tend to point in the opposite direction.

But let’s not fool ourselves.  This is not the decline of a nation.  This is not the decline of an empire.  This is the decline of the people.  If we really want to make this better, we must stop the blaming game (most of the time, based solely on partisanship).  The people, as a whole, has to take the major part of the blame.  No one forced the people to overspend, overmortgage or waste time at work.  Where have we stopped being responsible and accountable adults?  Complaining does not help.  It’s high times to put the debts where the people mouth is (the money is all gone…we have to put something else where our mouth is!!).

Work hard.  Spend less than you make.  Save the difference…for a rainy day.  High school economics…and good ‘ol common sense.

Enough already with all of this Mumbo Jumbo.  If we work hard, we also have a right to play hard.  Miss Beach Party would ask: “Recession? Is that the cool new brand of tequila?”.  (By the way, her original name was Miss Budweiser, but we wanted to broaden our sponsorship possibilities to other kinds of beers, including Duff Beer).

Miss Beach party believes in living the present moment and that you only live once…but in her own way.  After hearing the definition of recession, she would pause and scream “Woo! Hoo! Free Beer! Oh no…I lost my bra.  But I don’t care!”

New Character(s) brought to this Blog: Miss Beach Party (formerly Miss Budweiser) and Corporate (played by companies that have greater revenues than most countries around the world and that watch our every move, to get to know us better).

This week’s lucky number (we know it’s stupid...but please, just play along!): 7 (Yes! Again! And why not?).

Personal message: To my plump-pushing-60 female neighbour that walks naked in her apartment at night, in the dark: “If you open the refrigerator door, I can see you. I would prefer you not doing that”.

Quote of the week:Stop being so stupid…it’s my turn” – Anonymous (Nutcase).

To do: daydreaming.

Rejected song title: It’s not because you’re ugly

Bad choice of a rock band name: Madoff and the Enrons

Love letters, comments, opinions and complaints:

Sunday, August 14, 2011

The “ends” of the world

As we witness the sad images of violence from the suburbs of London, it’s easy to ask ourselves a few questions: has the whole world gone completely crazy? Is it the end of the world?

Add to that the never ending wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine, Libya, Syria, Côte d’Ivoire, Darfur, etc. Even insignificant events turn sour in an instant…Like the riots in Vancouver after a Stanley Cup loss in the Finals. Or even worse: when they reintroduced the blue colored Smarties in May 2010, as we all remember. One must wonder if the Apocalypse is knocking at the door. We can already see The Nutcases salivating…Unfortunately, The Nutcase will be a recurring character in our silly blog.

Yes. Maybe we are crazy. As a matter of fact, we are quite sure we are. But we don’t think we are worse than the world was at other times in history. The media surely wants us to believe that every day. According to The Drama Queen Media (from now on, we will refer to the media as The Drama Queen Media), the world is on the verge of collapsing. For some crazy unknown reason, it seems we consume more when we are scared. As a result, we live in a culture of fear. No wonder terrorism is on the rise.

But for fun, just imagine how The Drama Queen Media would be covering the Crusades? Or the Spanish Inquisition? Or the French Revolution? Or the Crucifixion of Jesus? How about The Drama Queen Media covering a reality show of Cro-magnon men. All of them groaning and hitting themselves on the head with sticks every time they would disagree. Hilarious! Actually, they would not be able to air that today, you know, to maintain social order. Otherwise, people might think it’s a better (and cheaper) idea to hit their “ex” with a stick instead of hiring an expensive lawyer. I have to admit, it’s very tempting…

Violence is not only part of the history of the world, but it most certainly shaped it. People were killed for not believing in the same God, for believing that the world is round, for having epilepsy, etc. The world, sadly, has a history of violence. It looks like a big wheel that increases from level 1 to 10, turning round and round, clockwise, marking time.

Lately, we have only refined our reasons for killing. Nowadays, we read about killing the significant other for leaving (sometimes along with the children), stabbing a soccer referee for missing a call, shooting boss after a layoff, or murdering female students…simply for being women. Are we near level 10? Well, that would be like saying that World Wars I and II were level 5-6? Our humble opinion is that Holocaust has to be a solid 10. On the other hand, The Drama Queen Media would say that every day is a solid 10 on the nightly news.

So if you ever feel the urge to kick a guy’s family jewels for saying “at least you have your health”, or to puncture your bosses’ lungs with a crowbar, or to smash your 1999 Chrysler Cirrus in a government agency entrance, c’mon dude, be original!!! That’s nothing that hasn’t been done already during Medieval times (except maybe for the Chrysler thing).

But if you want to do something that hasn’t been done before (you know, because what we’ve tried yet as not worked): try to change your own small world. If everybody did that, we are optimistic that the world would change faster and more efficiently than whatever we are doing now.

On another note, we surely hope Mother Nature will read our modest blog (In our dreams…Yeah! Right! like she cares!). Mother Nature scares us way more than violence itself. We would like to bet that she is actually doing tests to wipe us off of this rock (See Japan, Haïti, Chile, Australia, New Zealand, etc.). Maybe she’ll come up with a bullet-proof-Ebola-like virus or a mega worldwide Tsunami (if you don’t swim, that might be a good time to learn).

In the meantime, The Nutcases around the world will have something to look for: the end of the world in 2012. I have to specify the year because we just “had” one this year, in May.

2012 is just another scare…or is it?

New Character(s) brought to this Blog: The Drama Queen Media (played any and all media) and The Nutcase(s) (played by your average local moron, screw loose, loser, goofball, dunce, loony, idiot, insane, screwball, round the bend, nut job and/or politician).

This week’s lucky number (we know it’s stupid...but please, just play along!): 7

Personal message: To the guy that keeps honking every time he picks up someone for carpooling very early in the morning: “Get off your fat ass, you lazy douche bag, and knock on the person’s door”.

Quote of the week: “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night” – Anonymous (stoner).

To do: say something kind to someone you really don’t know.

Bad choice of a rock band name: London Riots

Love letters, comments, opinions and complaints: