Saturday, November 05, 2011

Next question

"There are no stupid questions, just stupid people."
- Mr. Garrison, South Park

It may sound harsh. But it's also very true. For instance, take the following question: "How much do you weight?"

Right off the bat, it sounds like a reasonable question when asked by a doctor to a patient. The same question could be asked to a male, or even a female, athlete for statistical purposes.

In the wrong situation, a normal question asked with poor judgment (by a moron) could drastically become a tragedy. For instance, if a guy asks an slightly overweight woman "How much do you weight?", on a first date, with a face that says "This is a test that you might fail", that could be classified as screwy. Or if a guest at a wedding would ask the bride, while dancing with her, "Geez, how much do you weight?", you would have to agree with Mr. Garrison's theory on this one too.

It's not the question. Therefore, it has to be the (stupid) people.

"How do you feel?". Sounds like a nice question. It could be great to ask your significant other "How do you feel, sweetie?". They same question could very well be asked to a colleague who comes back to work after a prolonged stay at the hospital.

However, the wide world of sports offers plenty of examples proving Mr. Garrison right when reporters ask the same question: "How do you feel?". Someone has to do something in order to prevent (stupid and desperate) sports reporters from repetitively asking that question.

My immediate reaction as a sports fan is "What a lazy and pointless question" (and many other words before, in between and after that I don't need to put here to make my point).

If the question is asked to athletes or coaches after a defeat, or even worse, after a terrible lopsided blowout defeat, I'm no rocket scientist, but I can tell you exactly how they feel. They feel like shit. They are angry. They are devastated. They are sad. They feel like they've been ran over by a steamroller. There is no point in asking them that question.

Asking athletes and coaches "How do you feel?" in those situations is an easy short cut to bad and irresponsible journalism. It's like showing live images of a sunny day and asking a meteorologist "according to your expertise, is it raining?". Isn't it obvious enough?

Duh! What answer did the reporter expected in that case? "I felt good about the fans cheering as I was being pulled out. Never felt better. As a matter of fact, it was a milestone in my career. A dream come true". It's like shoving your dog's muzzle in its own vomit to make it understand it was sick (the dog knows...and so do the athletes and coaches). This is not journalism. It's humiliation. It's making the new instead of reporting it.

I can hear sports reporters barking at me "What do you want us to ask them, smart ass?". Well, have you ever thought of not doing those (stupid and useless) on-the-spur-of-the-moment interviews? You are predictable as sunset. You are boring. And sports are enjoyable to watch (as a true unscripted reality show!!!). But, all in all, they're not that important when you don't take them out of their context. In other words, there's no need to over analyze them like WWI & WWII or the JFK assassination. Just watching sports does the job.

Or, how about when a reporter asks a coach, either after a quarter (basketball), a period (hockey) or at halftime (soccer or American football), whose team is losing the game, what's his plan or strategy for the rest of the game. To all those reporters, as a sports fan, although I'm not an expert, I think I can answer once and for all that (stupid) question:

1- We'll try to stop the other team from scoring; and
2- We'll try to score more goals or points than the other team.

The coach won't reveal his specific strategy. Therefore, the answer I provided is the only answer the reporter will get. Or maybe he or she could get this answer:

You just gotta love that guy! Completely incomprehensible but you know it comes straight from the heart.

I was wondering how we could have a revenge on them. Simple. After one of the above mentioned reporters had a poor sexual performance in bed with the significant other, I would surprise him or her and come straight from under the bed with a live microphone and ask bluntly "How do you feel? How do you plan to rebound from such a disastrous and deceiving performance? Do you think it's the result from a lack of effort or it's the direct consequence of your lack of athletic abilities? Or both".

But I have something even better in store. For every dumb reporter, the answer should be a Bob Knight (the punch is at the end of the clip).

That was dumb...and dumber. He deserved a Bob Knight.

But to all the you sports reporters out there, don't worry about it. Cheer yourselves up. We enjoy your annual Super Bowl Stupid Questions, such as "How long have you been a black quarterback?" asked to Doug Williams, the Washington Redskins quarterback in 1988 that also happened to be black. The reply by Williams was brilliant and priceless "I've been a quarterback since high school. I've always been black."

One other thing that might cheer sports reporters (that ask stupid questions) would be that you are not the only ones to do so. Political reporters, political "experts" and pundits like Glenn Beck do too.

Here's my stupid question of the week: What color would a smurf turn if you choked it? (Can I hear you ask "Why would anyone want to choke it?").

Well, it's the end of this blog article. I have only one more (stupid) question for you: "How do you feel?".


This week’s lucky number: The clue…A Frank Sinatra song: When I was  _____teen.

Clever song lyrics Part I: "Growing up it all seems so one-sided. Opinions all provided. The future pre-decided." - Song: Subdivisions - Artist: Rush.

Clever song lyrics Part II: "But the suburbs have no charms to soothe the restless dreams of youth." - Song: Subdivisions - Artist: Rush.

Cheesy song lyrics: "And I know that it must be the woman in you that brings out the man in me." - Song: Feels Like The First Time - Artist: Foreigner.

Signs you have to run for your life : While walking on a sidewalk, a white Econoline-type van stops besides you. The side door of the truck slides open. Inside, there’s a half dozen of black dressed and hooded men.

Things you can’t scream before a plane takes off : “Oh! No!...We’re all gonna die!!!!”.

New term to describe how Tony La Russa managed his bullpen during the World Series: The Russa Roulette.

Love letters, comments, opinions and complaints:


  1. This is great. I appreciate how you keep things real in your posts, and embrace every circumstance in life with profound reflections. I myself am a sports fan, and found this post especially amusing. Keep it up, I believe your opinions will not go unheard.

  2. nice:)

    does your(stupid)question requires an(stupid) answer?? :)<<<-just another stupid question i asked..

  3. I already answered your comments with an e-mail message...but just for the record:

    @AfterTim: Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for getting out of your way that. Glad you enjoy the posts. Please keep coming every week.

    @Greeeeeeen: Thank you. I refuse to answer your question without the presence of my attorney. ;-P Next question...